"You need a marriage counselor, not an affair," he says.Your "need" for an affair has nothing to do with that new guy, he says.If they are too "distant" and independent, they will likely seek a bond with someone else, he adds. But couples who have warm, supportive feelings for each other -- and express those feelings -- will stay married. "Researchers thought they would find those who wanted divorce had more problems," he says. "Unhappy couples say more negative statements than positive.There's a very specific ratio -- three positive things for one negative." If your marriage is getting dusty and rusty -- if another guy has caught your eye -- think twice, three times, then think again before you act on it, advises Kaplan.The workplace, working out, the Internet -- women have more sexual opportunities than ever before.With better salaries and no children, the stakes seem low if they are caught."There may not be a cold war, but there will be tension." Their parents' bad relationship teaches kids negative patterns -- even if they don't learn about an affair, she adds."If there is disrespect or no passion or if parents don't communicate effectively, it increases the chances kids drawn to repeat that pattern.
Here's what some shared: "My ex-wife cheated and left me for her boss," writes one male. To be fair, I didn't pay her enough attention or affection.
"If the marriage is based on friendship, mutual respect, and caring, it can weather many problems.
But after an affair, it's really hard to build that kind of foundation." It may sound un-sexy, but relationships take work. The essence of "working on a relationship" is to talk more often -- and more honestly, says Kaplan.
In fact, the numbers of cheating wives now equals the statistics on cheating husbands, according to a study by Tom W. In these Sex and the City days, that's hardly startling.
"Society has given women permission to be sexually active, and it's perfectly clear why women do it ... They're not getting what they want out of their marriage," says David Kaplan, Ph D, a marriage counselor with 15 years under his belt, and now a spokesperson for the American Counseling Association.